Today we took steps forward on choosing an arrival date for our au pair. We found a wonderful young woman named Nina from Germany who will come live with us and provide childcare while we are at work.
Also, Roger bit me really hard. I think he was trying to break the skin and in a pure animal rage/impulsive state.
I sometimes worry I am screwing up as a parent. Then, I’ll listen to or read something good and feel encouraged again.
Andrea sent me the link to Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled Podcast which is quite nice.
I think a big part of my journey is relinquishing control and accepting things as they are. Learning about Buddhist thought has been nice.
However, raised as I was and a MBTI ENTJ, I think a lot about how I could make things more efficient and balanced/suited to my preferences.
example 1: menstrual cycles. I remember a long time ago thinking about how a woman’s period is inefficient. It takes a few days’ time and you spend money on tampons and pads. Wouldn’t it be nice if your body could just give you a warning like a sensation or blinking inner wrist and you’d have 8 hours to get to a restroom and press a button on your abdomen and flush everything out into the toilet? This is how my mind works? I basically want to robot-ify womanhood.
example 2: raising children. It takes so much focus and patience and virtue and labor to raise them. Yet I know one day I’ll wish they were always around like they are now. I know one day I’ll give anything to have them cuddle into me and need me so purely and innocently. When I’m retired and they’re adults, I’ll feel like I have too much “me time.” We can’t spread it out evenly like butter on bread. We’ve got to do our best to live in the present and enjoy the immersion.
I don’t want my kids to be raised with fear or shame, but gosh, sometimes it’s hard not to get impatient or raise my voice. Sometimes I feel discouraged when the 15th spit-up of the day splashes on me or it takes 1 hour to get out the door because Roger is being obstinate and I need to pack a lot of gear.
I hope that with a lot of love and open lines of communication our children will be confident and comfortable people. Being a parent is the most important job in the world. It’s not as strategic and planner-friendly as I like my world to be, but gosh, it is amazing.
I believe with a bit of space and focused me-time/adult time that having a job again will bring; I will still feel like a good mom. I will be interviewing for work outside the home soon and see what opportunities are available.
At Katie and Evan’s wedding I described Evan’s mom as a pillar of strength for her family and Erica asked me if that’s how I want my boys to see me. Yes. Yes, it is.
So, while there are times I daydream about sending a tantrum-ing toddler to boarding school or taking more breaks to workout and travel without the kids in tow; I trust it will all work out and that my efforts to be patient and loving will pay off for our family.